Two killer jokes

Not Jeremy

My friend Jeremy was revising his screenplay and emailed me to see if I could contribute a joke about a serial killer.  (It's for his amazing-looking feature LUCID, but that's beside the point.)

I scribbled a few bad jokes, some were really bad, others weren't bad enough.

Even though he needed a quick exchange, I penned this narrative joke, which is liking something out of the Blanche Knott books I would sneakily read as a kid:


SERIAL KILLER JOKE #1 (of 2)

Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper and Jeffrey Dahmer all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve serial killers."

Manson says, "But I'm not a serial killer.  I just had a devoted cult who killed on my behalf."

The bartender says "okay," and gives him a beer.

Jack the Ripper says, "But I'm not a serial killer.  I was just a scapegoat for several murders committed by the Royal Family."

The bartender says "okay," and gives him a beer.

Jeffrey Dahmer says "I'm not here for a drink.  I just want to find a man to seduce, murder and eat."

*   *  * 

SERIAL KILLER JOKE #2 (of 2) 

I had written several more jokes, and I tried them all out on my wife.

For one of them I asked the question "How many serial killers does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

My original punchline was just okay.

But upon hearing it, my wife immediately said "I thought you were going to say `TWO: One to change the bulb and one to make a lampshade out of a prostitute."

Such a better joke.

And the thing is, but she just fired that one off without thinking about it.

My wife is funnier than me.

*   *   * 

RELATED:

Watch the trailer for Jeremy Carr's LUCID

Lucid - Feature Film Trailer from Jeremy Carr on Vimeo.


And check out material from OLD SKETCH WEEK.

LUCID: a movie I can't wait to see...

Since moving to Brooklyn in 1997 I've met alternative comedians, downtown performance artists, alcoholic poets, content generators, flaky folk-rockers, the list goes on and one.  One of the most slippery of all walks of life is anyone who calls himself an "independent filmmaker."  I could tell you some awful stories, but that's for another post. Today I'm going to share something that's truly exciting and it was made by a writer-director who can deliver.  (Don't take my word for it, just watch this trailer and see for yourself.) 


Jeremy Carr's LUCID is like a David Lynch Batman movie, if Batman weren't in it.


Just think of the money you've spent on seeing bad movies over the years.  Now here's your chance to put ten bucks towards a great movie that needs some help.   The producers are raising funds to finish shooting LUCID, you can join the online fundraiser on Kickstarter.  Every pledge helps -- seriously.

Learn more about the project here and see what you'll get by pledging: you can get an on-screen credit, a copy of Jeremy's short film ICE CREAM ANTS (featuring me as The Drunkard -- pictured above, this is one of my favorite roles), and a few people will get this cool T-shirt:

If you're crazy about movies, help this one get made.  You won't regret it.