Two killer jokes

Not Jeremy

My friend Jeremy was revising his screenplay and emailed me to see if I could contribute a joke about a serial killer.  (It's for his amazing-looking feature LUCID, but that's beside the point.)

I scribbled a few bad jokes, some were really bad, others weren't bad enough.

Even though he needed a quick exchange, I penned this narrative joke, which is liking something out of the Blanche Knott books I would sneakily read as a kid:


SERIAL KILLER JOKE #1 (of 2)

Charles Manson, Jack the Ripper and Jeffrey Dahmer all walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve serial killers."

Manson says, "But I'm not a serial killer.  I just had a devoted cult who killed on my behalf."

The bartender says "okay," and gives him a beer.

Jack the Ripper says, "But I'm not a serial killer.  I was just a scapegoat for several murders committed by the Royal Family."

The bartender says "okay," and gives him a beer.

Jeffrey Dahmer says "I'm not here for a drink.  I just want to find a man to seduce, murder and eat."

*   *  * 

SERIAL KILLER JOKE #2 (of 2) 

I had written several more jokes, and I tried them all out on my wife.

For one of them I asked the question "How many serial killers does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

My original punchline was just okay.

But upon hearing it, my wife immediately said "I thought you were going to say `TWO: One to change the bulb and one to make a lampshade out of a prostitute."

Such a better joke.

And the thing is, but she just fired that one off without thinking about it.

My wife is funnier than me.

*   *   * 

RELATED:

Watch the trailer for Jeremy Carr's LUCID

Lucid - Feature Film Trailer from Jeremy Carr on Vimeo.


And check out material from OLD SKETCH WEEK.

What are you doing for the next 82 hours?

Having just acquired this box set, I am suddenly sorry I didn't get a pre-nup.

The Sober Surfer

I came across an old SILVER SURFER comic book, that was on sale for just a dollar.  ($0.25 less than it originally sold for, in 1987.)

Last time I read this issue, I was 13 years old.

Looking back, it's easy to see why I would've been drawn to the Surfer.  On page 36, he tells his former boss/father figure:

"I DARE, GALACTUS -- BECAUSE I, TOO HAVE AN INFLEXIBLE WILL -- AND IT IS COUPLED TO CONSICENCE!"

adding:

"IT MATTERS NOT WHAT OTHERS DO!  THE SILVER SURFER MUST BE TRUE TO HIMSELF!"

Hokey and ham-handed, sure.  But I'm betting that idea resonated with me, on some level.  Operating with a strong sense of what's right and wrong.

Previous examinations of my past have turned-up unsettling connections and things that must've been obvious to others, but I was oblivious to.  (This early video memoir unearthed my romanticization of lone gunmen fighting for justice.)

But the above quote may have had some good influence.  I suspect most teenagers see an "inflexible will" as a good thing.  But in my case, I applied that will to not drinking alcohol or using drugs. That's no small accomplishment for any teenager (or adult.)  So I should thank Steve Englehard for helping me with my sobriety.

Kevin Geeks Out About Evil Dogs of 1978

Edgar Allen Poe made black cats a staple a horror, you still see them each year as Halloween decorations.

But as far as horror movies go, it's dog territory.

Because people fear dogs.  (And it's much easier to direct a canine.)

Specifically, dogs have been harbingers of death in films of the 70's and 80's, ushering in the worst kinds of destruction.  I don't know if this goes back to earlier centuries, where dogs carried diseases, but you can see this theme play out in a number of films including: Cujo, The Pack, Play Dead -- and don't forget the dog who hosts the monster in The Thing.

In this two-part video-review, Rusty Ward and I look at two stand-out films from 1978.  (I'm still not sure if one was ripping off the other -- you be the judge.)

ZOLTAN, DRACULA'S DOG and DEVIL DOG: HOUND OF HELL 





Full disclosure: the reason we did two episodes is that when Rusty suggested we watch ZOLTAN, I got excited because I thought it was DEVIL DOG.  So we ended up watching both.

Working Class Stock Photo

Yahoo News did a story about the white working class.  This guy is the face of the white working class?

Was Mojo Nixon unavailable?

Kevin Geeks Out About... EVIL CHILDREN

This Thursday (July 7th) I'm screening a double feature -- two kindertraumatic© cult classics 

THE CHILDREN (1980) and DON'T GO TO SLEEP (1982) in New York City.  Click HERE and get tickets. 

Hey Baby, it's the 4th of July

Happy 4th of July, from my family to you and yours.

Kevin Geeks Out about... meeting Max Kalmanowicz, director of THE CHILDREN (1980)

On Thursday July 7, I'm screening THE CHILDREN (1980) and DON'T GO TO SLEEP (1982) in New York City.  Click HERE and get tickets. 

As a young boy, my favorite thing about attending the annual Proctor & Gamble company picnic was getting to hang out with older kids, because everyone knows older kids are cooler. One year, some bad-ass 11-year olds told me about a horror movie called THE CHILDREN, where a school bus full of children are exposed to nuclear fog and turned into zombies, and you can tell because they have blue fingernails. I listened to the play-by-play of this gruesome story where kids kill adults and parents defend themselves by chopping off the children’s hands. That night I couldn’t sleep because I was too freaked out by the film’s final scene. Just hearing about it scared the hell out of me. I desperately wanted to see THE CHILDREN, but was too terrified. Years later I watched the film and it proved to be just as disturbing as I’d imagined. And I loved it.  


Recently, I had lunch with the film’s director, Max Kalmanowicz. Over lunch Max talked about what makes child actors so creepy, the secret to making low-budget horror, the cause of our current "zombie renaissance" and the surprising link between his drive-in movie and the horrors of World War II.  Plus he shared some details about his upcoming film HORROR CON. 

Max K.

KEVIN: Do people ever tell you they saw the movie when they were young and were just completely terrified and haunted?

MAX: The last horror convention that I went to, I met the people from Troma, who bought the rights to my two films The Children and Dreams Come True.  They recognized me from some of the publicity photos, and everybody started asking me if I would sign things.  I was a little embarrassed.  Basically, there were people coming up who looked too young to have been around at the time, saying, “You did The Children?  Wow, that was really scary!”  So that made me feel good, and I feel like if it worked then it still does now; for kids, anyway.

KEVIN: Does it seem like part of the appeal is that kids get a kick out of seeing themselves as the villains?

MAX: I think they like that the kids in the movie fry their parents.  That really gives them a big giggle.  They’re not scared by the kids being scary, they’re just wonderfully happy that the kids get even.  The kids are the monsters.  They have the power.

KEVIN: Do you have a favorite moment from The Children?

MAX: My favorite moment was when the father comes in and he sees his daughter and his son frying… who do they fry?  I forget.  It’s when he walks in and he sees them and they start coming towards him—the horror on his face that these kids that he’s raised are now coming after him.  They look really scary.  I love that!

KEVIN: My favorite scene is when Paul comes down the stairs, gets hit with the shotgun and goes over the side.  Was that really a kid doing the stunt?

Kim Jong Il's Monster Movie

In this installment of SO BAD IT'S GOOD, Rusty Ward and I look at the notorious PULGASARI.  Note: the movie may look really old, but it's actually from 1985.

This was a challenging review, because we were applying our Western cultural standards to the film, but I imagine most people will do the same.  That's a fancy way of saying, my bad attitude is justified.

Still to come -- our two-part series looking at the EVIL DOG CINEMA OF 1978.

And don't forget, this coming Thursday I'm hosting Kevin Geeks Out About... EVIL CHILDREN

The double-feature brings together THE CHILDREN (1980) and DON'T GO TO SLEEP (1982)

Two movies for just ten bucks.  Don't miss out!

DON'T GO TO SLEEP: the movie that will forever change the way you look at pizza cutters

On Friday April 15^th at approximately 2:30pm, a Brooklyn man stabbed the owner of a local pizzeria.The incident took place just outside my son’s kindergarten classroom. The weapon was a kitchen knife from the pizzeria. This juxtaposition of pizza, children and attempted murder immediately reminds me of a great film. No, not I LOVE YOU TO DEATH, but the made-for-TV movie DON’T GO TO SLEEP.

The film centers on a suburban family suffering from one tragic accident after another. The parents (played by Dennis Weaver and Valerie Harper) struggle to move on, after their favorite daughter, Jennifer, died in a fire.  The accident deeply effected 12-year-old Mary (In terms of the most basic child psychology: Mary is “Jan” to Jennifer’s “Marsha”) I don’t want to reveal too much here, but long story short: Mary is traumatized and she grieves in her own unique way; by methodically killing off members of her family (including cult favorite Ruth Gordon and the boy from POLTERGEIST.)

LONE DRIFTER: a look back. Also - help save UNDER St. Mark's

Kevin Maher is LONE DRIFTER

Recently I was profiled as a star of "new vaudeville" -- which is a very nice thing to say.  Most anyone who visits this site is probably more familiar with my "geek out" theme nights and writings on popular culture.  (Or you came here searching for images of Soleil Moon Frye.) 

But I started as a solo-comedy artist (aka an "alternative comedian") 

Today's entry will look back my 2001 solo show LONE DRIFTER.  (see below, there's video and photos.) 

But first, I need to talk about two New York City institutions that were essential to my development: 

Surf Reality and the UNDER St. Marks

Both spaces fulfilled New York's promise of the possibility of theater.  I'm not one to romanticized my past, but I saw and participated in some one-of-a-kind shows at those spaces. And I'd hate to think of what my youth would've been like without them.  

Today the UNDER St. Marks needs your help.  Learn more here.  

As for my show, I set out to do an anti-one-man show.  I wanted to skewer the cliches and present sketch comedy bits with the gravitas of legit theatre.  

Some of the pieces were grotesque pseudo-psycho monologues in the spirit of Jim Thompson novels. Many of the characters were decidedly not "likable" (probably not the best approach for a new comedian), I followed Joe Coleman's approach to painting -- he said every grotesque image is a self-portrait, he finds himself in each one. (see below) I tried to do the same with my comedy.

Kevin and Rusty talk about THE HAND (1981)

The latest offering from Rusty Ward and me, we talk about THE HAND.

MOVIEOKE - wish list

This Saturday Night I'm hosting MOVIEOKE at the 92y Tribeca.  You can check out details here.

Basically, MOVIEOKE is like Karaoke for movie-lovers.

Pick a scene or a monologue and play it on the big screen without audio.

You provide the voices (and sound-effects, if you're up for it.)

We'll have a small library of DVDs to choose from, each with captioning (just like karoke!)


This will be the third time I'm hosting.  I'll do some bits and trivia and some movieoke of my own.  But I also wanted to include this WISH LIST of scenes I'd love to see people do...

Kevin Geeks Out About Casting Disasters

This week there was some internet buzz (or mush-mouthed internet mumblings) about the 30th anniversary of Raiders of the Lost Ark, namely this video that shows the screen-test featuring Tom Selleck as Indiana Jones and Sean Young as Marion Ravenwood.  Almost as exciting as the way the 25th Anniversary of Back to the Future yielded this video of Eric Stoltz as Marty McFly.

Of course as long as there's been movies, there's been close calls with actors nearly taking on iconic film roles that we can't imagine someone else playing.  I call these "casting disasters" and covered it back at AMC.  Here's a few examples:

Is this what you want?

It has come to my attention that the majority of people arrive at my blog after googling the words SOLEIL + MOON + FRYE.

She's the actress who played the title tween on NBC's Punky Brewster  (the sitcom AND the animated series.)  Depending on your age, you might know her as one of the supporting characters from the syndicated series Sabrina the Teenage Witch, when Sabrina is in college and no longer a teenager.  I believe Soleil played her friend and/or roommate.

In an attempt to better serve my new audience (while at the same time annoying my regular readers) I am going to devote this site to MORE images, news, video clips, vlogs, fan fiction and poetry about SOLEIL MOON FRYE.  (And just to be on the safe side, I will occasionally mis-spell her name as to attract people who are wrongly searching for SOLEI Moon Frye.)

Here's the best clip I found find from TV's Punky Brewster.  (I'm only sorry I didn't include this nightmarish footage in the March show I co-curated about Dream Sequences.)

Kevin Geeks Out About: Douglas Coupland

For the most part this blog is a display-case for my little obsessions and observations.  This entry might not fit the usual profile, but it has to do with a writer I really like and will continue to read until one of us dies.

In Herman Raucher's novel Summer of '42 the main character's high school English teacher advises him to read the complete works of one author.  I have ended up doing that with novelist Douglas Coupland, who famously wrote Generation X.  He's a powerful writer and I've come to really love his books.  I was more moved than I should've been when a character in Microserfs referenced the way the roof of your mouth becomes raw when you eat too much Cap'n Crunch.  Coupland always combines an attention to pop-culture details with thoughtful ideas about the passage of time, our sense of identity, loneliness and depression.  He speaks to me.

One of my favorite passages appears in Coupland's third book, a collection of stories titled Life After God.  In "Things that Fly"the narrator struggles with a bad break-up and reflects upon the death of Superman and a profound sense of loneliness. I transcribed this next passage and put it into a hand-made greeting card that I gave to my girl-friend, after we broke up and then got back together.  So this passage has always stuck with me:

And then I got just plain lonely and just so fed up the badness in my life and in the world and I said to myself "Please, God, just make me a bird -- that's all I ever really wanted -- a white graceful bird free of shame and taint and fear and loneliness, and give me other white birds among which to fly and give me a sky so big that if I never wanted to land I would never have to." 

But instead, God gave me these words, and I speak them here. 

(Douglas Coupland, "Things that Fly", Life After God page 88, 1994)