F.A.Q. FOR THE GUY WITH THE HUGE NUTSACK (old comedy sketch)

Today's "old comedy sketch" was written for Giant Tuesday Night of Amazing Inventions and Also There is a Game, the weekly comedy-variety show created by Andres du Bouchet (who now writes, and frequently performs, on Conan.)  I wrote this routine and it was performed by Mike Birch, one of the most gifted comedy-actors I know. He can be seen performing in One Man Hamlet, which is the best showcase I've seen for Mike's awesome talents. But now let's go back to 2005 and a routine called...

Q&A WITH HANK

ANDRES: If you read the papers or watch the news, then you’ll recognize our next guest.  He has become an overnight sensation and darling of the media.  Ladies and gentlemen I give you the one and only Hank Robeson! 

(MIKE enters as HANK, a self-described “ordinary kinda guy”  He gently sits down on a chair, delicately holding the large hat-box which rests on his lap) 

HANK: Hi folks.  I’m Hank.  Hi.  I guess I said that already.  I’m not used to public speaking.  I don’t like to call a lot of attention to myself, I mean I’m just an ordinary kinda guy.  But I’ve been getting a lot of attention lately so I thought I’d save us all a little embarrassment by answering some of your usual questions about my incredibly huge nutsack. 

(HANK reaches into the box and takes out cards at random.  His delivery is very natural, never trying too hard; he’s gentle and “aw-shucks”-like) 

(reading card) Have you also got a huge cock or penis?

I didn’t realize there was a difference between cock and penis.  But, no, I was blessed with this super-huge nutsack, but my penis is pretty average.  If anything I guess it looks small next to my enormous nutsack. 

(reading) Does the nutsack speak?

No. But I’ve always thought it was a great listener. 

(reading) Where would you and your nutsack most like to live?

I’d like to move to a cold climate.  The cold makes my giant nutsack get smaller, hot weather makes it balloon up.  Also, I wouldn’t have to wear shorts. 

(reading) Did Macy’s really try to get your nutsack in the Thanksgiving Day Parade?

No.  They didn’t, that’s another rumor on the Internet. 

(reading) Dude, I bet you get a lotta chicks with that huge-ass nutsack.

Yes and no.  A lot of women are flirtatious, like, they really want to see my big nutsack, but the women I’ve been in relationships with really like me for who I am, not cause I’m the guy with the enormous nutsack. 

(reading) What’s your favorite movie? 

"The Princess Bride."  I could recite the whole thing, but I don’t want to bore you. 

(reading) Can you get an operation to fix your enormous nutsack?

Well if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  Also, my health insurance won’t pay for it. 

(reading) Does having a monster nutsack hurt?

Only when I laugh.  Or when I get punched in the nutsack. And one time when a guy tried to put a cigarette out on it.

(reading) Do you support capital punishment?

That’s not really a question about my nutsack, so I’m not going to answer. Well I did answer the Princess Bride question, so – (pause) – uh, I feel uncomfortable discussing politics.  And realize, I’m used to a lot of discomfort, so I’m gonna pass. Sorry. 

(reading) Is there a website for your mega-nutsack?

I haven’t gotten around to it.  A friend of mine offered to make one for me, but I couldn’t find a good name.  There’s a lot of Big Nutsack sites out there that are just gross or it’s porn or some kind of fetish freak show.  My goal is to promote understanding, which is why I do this. 

Okay, we’ll do one more question. 

(reading) Do you have a big cock too?

Sorry.  One more. 

(reading) Is one ball bigger than the other?

I don’t think it’s bigger, but the left nut hangs a little lower by about two inches. 

You guys have been great, have a great night. 

(HANK gets up, holding the hatbox in front of his crotch.  He walks off-stage as though its contents are at once heavy and delicate.) 

ANDRES: There he goes, Hank the guy with the huge nutsack! (possible joke about how HANK can be seen on the upcoming ABC reality show "The Bachelor with the Huge Nutsack") 

THE SWEET SMELL OF CESS (old comedy sketch)

Today's script was written as an exercise in style, I was going for the pace and self-importance of Ernest Lehman's The Sweet Smell of Success.  For better or worse, this sketch was never produced. Photograph by Herman Yung.

“THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCKED CESS”

(E.G. KREELY, walks out onto his Penthouse balcony.  KREELY wears a smoking jacket and holds a drink.  He surveys the city like a King overlooks his Kingdom.)

KREELY: God-damn, will you look at this beautiful, god-awful city.  I hate it.  And I love it.  I’m complicated that way.

(CHAUNCY walks out of the shadows)

CHAUNCY: Yes, Kreely, you’re quite the enigma.

KREELY: (still looking outward) Chauncy, when I invite a guest to my penthouse I don’t expect him to call me an ass-cleansing solution.

CHAUNCY: That’s an enema, Kreely.

AUTOMATIC PILOT (old comedy sketch)

Here's an early script that was performed in the stage show "Children with Hands", directed by Oliver Butler at the wonderful UNDER St. Mark's.  Will Carlough played Pete and Paul Thureen played Felix.  Each actor did excellent work and it was delightful for me to see someone else play parts that I would've messed up.  (Spoiler: Paul did an amazing job at making the crying very real and laugh-out-loud funny; whereas I would've probably played it for laughs or made it too pathetic.)

“AUTOMATIC PILOT”

(PETE and FELIX sit side by side, holding the controls of a commercial airplane)

PETE: Confirm cabin pressure to altitude.

FELIX: Check.

PETE: Then we can kick back ‘til Fort Worth.

(PETE visibly relaxes and seems much more comfortable.  FELIX begins to sob, gently.)

THE FORTUNE TELLER sketch (old comedy sketch I wrote)

So I'm starting to post old comedy sketches.  It's an attempt to catalog early writings, as I've discovered that a lot of my early stuff isn't saved anywhere.  As I continue to post my old work, I'll present pieces as they were written.


Here's "THE FORTUNE TELLER"

(Stage is set with 2 chairs; one is occupied by MADAME KRISTA, an old gypsy woman. Next to her is a small sign that reads “PALM READINGS, $5”) 

(DAN walks through the curtain and sits down.  He hands the woman a five-dollar bill.) 

MADAME KRISTA: Yes, yes, let Madame Krista look into your future and see your fate.  Give me your hand…

(She turns his hand over to reveal thick black hair growing from his palm.)

MADAME KRISTA: Well…uhm…eh…it says you really like to whack-off. 

PAUSE. 

DAN: Does it say anything about my painting career?  Or where I’ll meet the love of my life?  Or if I’ll win the pie-eating contest?

MADAME KRISTA: No. Just a lot of whacking-off. 

DAN: Huh. 

(MADAME KRISTA squints.) 

MADAME KRISA: Also…you were born in a test-tube…conceived from the frozen seed of Adolph Hitler. 

DAN: No kiddin’ lady.  Why’da’ya think I pump the baloney so much? 

SFX: Wont-waaaant. 

The End.