This is the speech I was too chicken to give.
Please enjoy and share with young people or anyone interested in learning more about film.
* * *
Good afternoon, Film Students.
You know, if I had to choose between making an independent feature or
killing a man, I would choose murder. Because the killing wouldn’t take 9 years
of my life. Or a Kickstarter campaign. (Doing another Kickstarter campaign
would kill me.)
Seriously though, my message to new college graduates is: if you
have to choose between becoming a filmmaker or becoming a murderer, go with
murder. Your parents will be relieved that you're not making a movie.
Hate-based murder is something everyone understands. Especially married people.
If you want to become a murderer, you can just do it. From day
one, you’re the boss. You don’t have to spend the first few years paying your
dues, fetching coffee for more successful murderers who you don’t even
like. You’re not required to stand on a corner asking people, “Could
you walk on the other side of the street? We’re about to start murdering.”
Here’s another reason being a murderer is better than being a
filmmaker: If you work hard planning and pulling off a really difficult murder,
your friends won’t say “Hmm, it was just okay.” Your best friend would
never tell you, “It was good, but… I would’ve have murdered that woman
differently…”
When a murderer goes to a cocktail party people might treat him
like a filmmaker, at first. They’ll ask “But how do you make a
living?”
Or they’ll just assume you’re a lousy murderer. “Well, I’ve never
heard of any of your murders...”
And the real assholes will give you advice about how to make it as
a Murderer. “You should move to Detroit. That’s a big murder
city.” Oh, apparently there was a story on CBS Sunday Morning and now you’re an
expert on my craft?!
But those people are being defensive. One, because they fear they
are going to be murdered by you. And two, because you make them realize what a
boring life they live.
Before the night is over, at least one drunk party-guest will pull
you aside and admit, “You know I’ve always wanted to feel the rush that comes
with committing a murder. But I’ve been so intimidated by the social norms and
legal ramifications.” In other words: everyone wishes they could be
you.
Films schools say they encourage people to think outside the box.
“Ohh this independent drama really says a lot about gender.”
Hey, serial killer Ed Gein murdered people while dressed up like a
woman. How’s that for subverting gender roles?
Aspiring movie-makers act like their job is something special. “Oh
I’m following that new screenwriter on twitter, he’s really killing it.”
No, murderers – THEY are really killing it.
Indie filmmakers brag that they made a movie on a “shoe-string”
budget. But creative murderers have killed people with nothing more
than a shoestring.
Filmmakers are always giving each other some bullshit awards. If
there were a red carpet gala for murder, all the guests would be like, “Man,
this carpet would be great for disposing of a murdered body.”
Thankfully, the mainstream media still treats murderers with
respect. When someone in New York City is murdered, the newspapers describe it
with fear and terror. You never get into the back of a taxi and hear Sandy
Kenyon say, “Here’s a murder that was uninspired and condescending."
Because if he said that, Sandy Kenyon knows he’d get murdered.
I guess at the end of the day, some people just don’t have what it
takes to be murderers, so they settle for filmmaking instead.
* * *
(Save time for Q&A. Answer several questions about living in New York vs. L.A.)
