Imagine an average, healthy
woman.
Now pretend she gets extensive
cosmetic surgery -- collagen implants, eye lift, botox, the works.
But it's a botched operation,
leaving this woman a grotesque imitation of beauty standards.
That's what WALKING WITH
DINOSAURS is.
A BBC mini-series was transformed
for American audiences and it's a horror show.
My problem isn't just with the
movie, but the cultural forces that transformed it.
THE ORIGINAL MINI-SERIES
The 2013 American film is based
on a BBC mini-series. It was the most expensive British television
program ever made (and it shows, the series is visually stunning.) The
program combined live-action locations with computer-generated creatures to
create the closest thing we could get to a nature documentary about dinosaurs.
Kenneth Branagh narrated the series, providing insights into the
environment and habits of pre-historic reptiles.
Doesn't sound too bad, does
it?
THE CHANGES AND THE
CHECKLIST
Significant changes were made to
"reach a wider audience."
The dinosaurs were
anthropomorphized, making them obnoxious archetypes that are easily recognized
by viewers of modern kids' movies. There's the scrappy runt
Pachyrinosaurus (voiced by Justin Long). He's a good- natured kid learning his
way in a scary world of giant beasts and flying creatures.
His best buddy is an energetic
Alexornis. It's the wise-crackin', fast talkin' sidekick role that's been
voiced by the likes of Gilbert, Gottfried, Bobcat Goldthwait, even Eddie
Murphy. Here we get John Leguizamo (who some kids might recognize as the voice
of Sid the Sloth in all those ICE AGE movies.)
Many of these changes feel like
they're coming from some checklist of mainstream kiddie movies.
You get:
- the generic little guy hero
- Bossy old brother
- Mandatory love-interest
- A brave parental sacrifice
- One character compares himself to a ninja (?!)
- A scene feature ironic use of music by Barry White
The jokes would feel played out
in any post-SHREK world. But in this very stylish
"documentary" film they're terribly forced.
STORY OR WHATEVER
Maybe the reason this pains me is
that there's a profound disparity between the magnificent visuals and the
sloppy script.
And that suggests a few
things:
1. Story, character and dialogue take a backseat in mainstream entertainment.
2. The powers-that-be assume audiences will respond to a bunch of poop jokes and familiar character types.
I'm depressed as a professional
writer, because the writing was an afterthought. (The feature film was planned
to be a "silent movie" without dialogue, the script certainly feels
slapped on.)
I'm insulted as an audience
member, because the movie-makers think I'm so dumb that I'd want this would-be
Dreamworks movie.
I'm outraged as a parent,
because economic forces are determined to short-change my children with
shoddy entertainment.
A TRADITION OF CHEAP
KIDDIE ENTERTAINMENT
Before we go any further, I should point out there's no "lip-flap" in WALKING WITH DINOSAURS. Characters' mouths do not move, like on THOMAS THE TANK ENGINE. (At least the trains provide basic expressions to convey emotion.)
90 minutes of
"telepathic" dinosaurs is a jarring dramatic experience.
During the movie, I couldn't help
but feel like I was watching a film by exploitation king K. Gordon Murray.Throughout the 1960s Murray bought the
rights to half-a-dozen of low-budget Mexican Fairy Tale movies then re-dubbed
them into English. He'd screen his Americanized versions of LITTLE RED
RIDING HOOD or MOTHER HOLLY at weekend Matinee shows -- and make a
bundle in the process.
Again, this type of rampant, greedy
model succeeds best when adults overlook quality in children's media.
You can't help but feel like WALKING
WITH DINOSAURS lends itself to being re-dubbed into dozens of languages,
starring the "Non-union Mexican equivalent" of Justin Long.
THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS
The corporate overlords who
designed this film clearly wanted to have it both ways: an educational film
about the Cretaceous period AND a by-the-numbers family comedy.
It didn't really work. The
finished movie isn't enlightening (aside from the handful of moments when the
screen freezes and a child's voice pronounces the names of dinosaurs.)
And, I'm being subjective here, the movie isn't entertaining. Even by
kids' movie standards.
Let's all remember that we should
pick a side, stick with it. Make the best possible thing that isn't also trying
to be another thing. (Unless novelist David Mitchell is reading this. Dude, you
have mastered the art of blending genres and I'd hate for this blog post to
derail your post-modernist journey.)
Side-note: On this blog I've showed some amused admiration for shameless cash-grab movies.
For example, low-budget movie studio THE ASYLUM made TRANSMORPHERS just in time for the big-budget TRANSFORMERS movie. Or the Korean film company that debuted A*P*E just as the 1976 KING KONG was being released. But those crude little movies know where they stand. The filmmakers don't think they're fooling anyone (aside from some confused grandparents shopping for DVDs at the 99-cent store.) But I get the impression the makers of WALKING WITH DINOSAURS really do think they're pulling one over on the public. And maybe that's why I'm compelled to call "bullshit" on their greedy exercise.
DEEPER FEELINGS
It could be I'm worried about my
own writing career.
I've had a cartoon show in
development hell for 2 years now. I worry that my show could be
compromised by industry cynics, turning my series into something as
condescending and heartless as the dinosaur movie.
Or maybe I'm worried that my show
is already that bad.
Or what if the bastards are right
and people really do want the modern-kiddie movie checklist.
POST-SCRIPT:
a collection of tweets I've made about WALKING WITH DINOSAURS over the past 2 weeks.
